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I have a confession to make:
Why I gave up to seek my happiness and now seek the happiness for the young ones.
------------------------------------------------------- -------------
I have partly given up... View MoreI have a confession to make:
Why I gave up to seek my happiness and now seek the happiness for the young ones.
------------------------------------------------------- -------------
I have partly given up the goal of my happiness and now fight for the happiness of them who will come after me. I hope my daughter will have in life what I never have yet not had and some of that I will never have.
I did not have a happy childhood, and some ask me "did you not have toys" and my reply will be "yes, tons of it, but toys is not what makes a child happy except for when the open the package, but what makes a child happy is fun in interaction" something I did not have since I started off with political stamped parents because they thought for the truth as I now in my turn was forced by the system to also do today.
When I was in school I was "that guy", who was always the one who others liked to beat up and it went so far that another guy even got killed cause the murderers thought it was me. In the school pause I was afraid to go out for not becoming a target of them who hated me and often I hid in the bushes so that I would not get beet up by the bullies who though I was good at fighting they gathered 10 on 1 and I had no chance. So the best remedy was to hide. It was not a day I went to school not being afraid of getting beat up.
And why was I beat up? Cause in school the students were told I that I was gay, and the person saying that was the teacher. And that in all 5 schools in 9 years of graduate school I was in. How come that in all the graduate schools the teachers told the students a lie so they would hate me? If it was not cause of my parents political black list they were in?
Finally in High School and after that in the university I was free from physical beating and bulling.
All my life as long as I know, my parents thought to have a stable life and a home, something that they do not have, not even today after 28 years from the day they got exiled for protesting that in the Communist Romania when all who had a job had a home and my parents did not.
That they did not have a home made them to end up political exiled and today they are at pension and they still not have a home. To fight all your life and even end up forced exiled for something that most people have and not have like a home, is truly a scream at the heavens. Yet they were never homeless and why? Because they are hard working people who always saw to that they have a income and money for a rent, yet in there life time they moved to so many places I have even lost count.
I now as my parents before me, I either do not have a home. And me too am not homeless, but many times in life I was near to be homeless and a couple of times in life I was homeless. But I have always somehow gotten back in my feet. And in 2012 my family managed to make 50000 euros and that was the last hope we had to finally afford to make a home.
Sadly in 2012 that happiness was gone.We lost it all after we got robbed and now after I moved for 6 months back to my country Romania I moved only with the ticket money and a couple of euros in the pickets and living o rent and working for rent money and still not having a home.
What I have lost of my childhood can never be regained. What time has passed can never be unpassed. I sometimes feel as if I have no feeling anymore what true happiness is. "Yes" I can be happy as any man can, but what I am telling you is that I sometimes feel I am not capable of feeling true long lasting happiness to really feel that I accomplished something and be long lasting happy for it. Maybe because I feel like what me and my parents have thought so much for has not bin accomplished and it may never be.
Its like I am cursed to never have a place I call "home". I am not talking of a country cause that for me is Romania who is my home country. I am talking of a place I can call "home", a place I know I will always have and can when ever got to cause it is my "home". A place were I know the people there and were they know me. A place that even if it may suck, it is still my home. You there who has a home may not appreciate this because you do not know what you have till you miss it.
For were ever I am, I am "that stranger" and were ever I may walk I am "that alien", so if I am an alien then at least I am changing something. That is why I keep fighting for a better future. That is why I chose to be better a insane conspiracy theorist then a sane brainwashed idiot. If feel as I am an alien, then at least I am a good one.
When I was a teen for the first time I tried suicide cause after all I have bin through I did not feel life was worth living. In my life I tried suicide 4 times. But obviously, I did not succeed or I now would not be telling this to you.
Since the last try I sworn that I will not try again and that my goal in life is "F U C K MY HAPPINESS" and I started to only care of others. But hey you can't live if your goal is only for others so some ego I must have to survive. Right?
After I got my daughter my life goal changed into:
MAKE - MY - DAUGHTERS - LIFE - TO - HAVE - WHAT - I - NEVER HAD - AS - A - CHILD - NOR - AS - AN - ADULT.
And so it started that now I fight not only for my daughters future, but for the future of all man kind since my daughter will live together in that future with the rest of the man kind and if I help the man kind I will help my daughter as well and so will I help all the children of the world.
My goal in life has become from the normal "me, me, me I need my life to be happy and F U C K the rest" as most people do, it has become to to "F U C K me, I want to leave something behind me that shows I made a difference to a better world".
God bless you all Amen.
Why I gave up to seek my happiness and now seek the happiness for the young ones.
------------------------------------------------------- -------------
I have partly given up... View MoreI have a confession to make:
Why I gave up to seek my happiness and now seek the happiness for the young ones.
------------------------------------------------------- -------------
I have partly given up the goal of my happiness and now fight for the happiness of them who will come after me. I hope my daughter will have in life what I never have yet not had and some of that I will never have.
I did not have a happy childhood, and some ask me "did you not have toys" and my reply will be "yes, tons of it, but toys is not what makes a child happy except for when the open the package, but what makes a child happy is fun in interaction" something I did not have since I started off with political stamped parents because they thought for the truth as I now in my turn was forced by the system to also do today.
When I was in school I was "that guy", who was always the one who others liked to beat up and it went so far that another guy even got killed cause the murderers thought it was me. In the school pause I was afraid to go out for not becoming a target of them who hated me and often I hid in the bushes so that I would not get beet up by the bullies who though I was good at fighting they gathered 10 on 1 and I had no chance. So the best remedy was to hide. It was not a day I went to school not being afraid of getting beat up.
And why was I beat up? Cause in school the students were told I that I was gay, and the person saying that was the teacher. And that in all 5 schools in 9 years of graduate school I was in. How come that in all the graduate schools the teachers told the students a lie so they would hate me? If it was not cause of my parents political black list they were in?
Finally in High School and after that in the university I was free from physical beating and bulling.
All my life as long as I know, my parents thought to have a stable life and a home, something that they do not have, not even today after 28 years from the day they got exiled for protesting that in the Communist Romania when all who had a job had a home and my parents did not.
That they did not have a home made them to end up political exiled and today they are at pension and they still not have a home. To fight all your life and even end up forced exiled for something that most people have and not have like a home, is truly a scream at the heavens. Yet they were never homeless and why? Because they are hard working people who always saw to that they have a income and money for a rent, yet in there life time they moved to so many places I have even lost count.
I now as my parents before me, I either do not have a home. And me too am not homeless, but many times in life I was near to be homeless and a couple of times in life I was homeless. But I have always somehow gotten back in my feet. And in 2012 my family managed to make 50000 euros and that was the last hope we had to finally afford to make a home.
Sadly in 2012 that happiness was gone.We lost it all after we got robbed and now after I moved for 6 months back to my country Romania I moved only with the ticket money and a couple of euros in the pickets and living o rent and working for rent money and still not having a home.
What I have lost of my childhood can never be regained. What time has passed can never be unpassed. I sometimes feel as if I have no feeling anymore what true happiness is. "Yes" I can be happy as any man can, but what I am telling you is that I sometimes feel I am not capable of feeling true long lasting happiness to really feel that I accomplished something and be long lasting happy for it. Maybe because I feel like what me and my parents have thought so much for has not bin accomplished and it may never be.
Its like I am cursed to never have a place I call "home". I am not talking of a country cause that for me is Romania who is my home country. I am talking of a place I can call "home", a place I know I will always have and can when ever got to cause it is my "home". A place were I know the people there and were they know me. A place that even if it may suck, it is still my home. You there who has a home may not appreciate this because you do not know what you have till you miss it.
For were ever I am, I am "that stranger" and were ever I may walk I am "that alien", so if I am an alien then at least I am changing something. That is why I keep fighting for a better future. That is why I chose to be better a insane conspiracy theorist then a sane brainwashed idiot. If feel as I am an alien, then at least I am a good one.
When I was a teen for the first time I tried suicide cause after all I have bin through I did not feel life was worth living. In my life I tried suicide 4 times. But obviously, I did not succeed or I now would not be telling this to you.
Since the last try I sworn that I will not try again and that my goal in life is "F U C K MY HAPPINESS" and I started to only care of others. But hey you can't live if your goal is only for others so some ego I must have to survive. Right?
After I got my daughter my life goal changed into:
MAKE - MY - DAUGHTERS - LIFE - TO - HAVE - WHAT - I - NEVER HAD - AS - A - CHILD - NOR - AS - AN - ADULT.
And so it started that now I fight not only for my daughters future, but for the future of all man kind since my daughter will live together in that future with the rest of the man kind and if I help the man kind I will help my daughter as well and so will I help all the children of the world.
My goal in life has become from the normal "me, me, me I need my life to be happy and F U C K the rest" as most people do, it has become to to "F U C K me, I want to leave something behind me that shows I made a difference to a better world".
God bless you all Amen.
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- August 19, 2020 8:56 pm
